A note to America’s cashiers

by admin on July 30, 2010

I interact with many of you daily. As I approach your workstation, purchases in hand, I’ve got to make a quick decision. It’s one that I’d rather avoid and, with your help, will disappear entirely.

Much like the driver approaching a stoplight, I must survey the obstacles before me. The driver must determine which vehicle will hit the gas the quickest once the light turns green, and who’s busy texting, daydreaming or filling out GED forms.

As I approach the row of cashiers, it’s imperative that I figure out who’s going to give me change the right way. Yes, there’s a right way and a wrong way. First, here’s a description of the latter.

If I pay you with cash, dear cashier, chances are good that I’ll receive both bills and coins in return. When you hand them to me, do not stack the coins on top of the bills like you’re David Blane. Why? Because I am not David Blane, and performing a street magic-worthy balancing act as I try to shuttle 2 dollars and 78 cents into my pocket while holding a bag of groceries is not my idea of a good time.

Instead, here’s what I’d like you to do. First, put the coins into my hand. Then, allow me the fraction of a second it takes to curl my third, fourth and fifth fingers around the coins before placing the bills between my extended index finger and thumb. I guarantee you the impatient-looking woman behind me who seems like she’ll fly into a violent rage if she can’t pay for her Redbook RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD RIGHT NOW will be fine.

Now, go off and tell your co-workers this is how it’s to be done. If you don’t, I’ll be forced to use those automated checkout robots, hastening the demise of your job.