Dave Caolo

I love the Apple Newton and still use one. The NewtonTalk email list is a permanent part of my inbox. Yet, even I cannot stand pointless posts like this one from CNET, comparing it to the iPhone:

“If the iPhone is Megan Fox, the Newton is Marilyn Monroe. It was standing over windy manholes in short dresses, making our pulses race long before the iPhone was tattooing weird, incoherent nonsense about butterflies on its back.”

Forget that they make me click through five pages to read the whole thing. The Newton is dead. It’s never coming back. A small group of enthusiasts enjoy using the remaining units. Leave it at that.

Even better than the article is the second comment:

“Next year I want to see the Newton pitted against the Apple Tablet.”

Yes, let’s compare a defunct gadget to a non-existent one. Can’t wait to read that page-turner.

Jason Calicanis abandons reason in a lengthy, anti-Apple rant. Others have dismantled it fully, but I’ll add my two cents to a particularly frustrating passage. Jason writes:

“The funny/sad part of the debate so far has been the technology folks who are actually arguing for less choice in the name of ease of use/customer support. The fact is, allowing certain folks to easily/officially/legally jailbreak/unlock their phones is something Apple could do easily. Same with opening up iTunes or the App Store. Apple could easily make users flip a warning or two-like folks do on routers-when users opt-in to doing something a little more ‘hacky.’”

Abandon ease of use and customer support for more “choice?” Where do I sign up for that? Ask a system administrator how easy it is to support a network and users with a lot of “choice.” Let’s say, Jason, that Apple allows people to “…easily/officially/legally jailbreak/unlock their phones.” Then something goes wrong. Who’s responsible for the cleanup? Apple? Hell, no. But those users will beat a path to Cupertino for a “fix” to the problem they created.

If I want to put a hemi engine in my Volvo station wagon, that’s great. But it’s not Volvo’s issue when I’ve got a telephone pole in my front seat. Likewise, I can’t condemn Nintendo because my Wii won’t play PS3 games.

I’ve used Apple products since 1994 and have never felt hindered by a lack of choice. Everything works perfectly. Mail, iCal, Safari, my Macs, my iPhone, my iPod and my Apple TV do exactly what I want them to do every day. I add a calender event and pow! It’s everywhere. I download a podcast and it’s distributed just as quickly. Where’s the problem?

Because I can’t run any Windows or Linux app I want? Oops, I can, and Apple provides the how-to for free. Because I can’t use a music player with iTunes other than the iPod? Oops, I can.

To ask Apple to change their wildly successful business model to accommodate a small group of hackers and devotees is ridiculous.

Today it was announced that one of my heroes, David Ortiz, tested positive a in ’93.

Here are the facts. Nearly every pro player has used some sort of performance-enhancing drug. Upwards of 90%.  There’s no way Major League Baseball is unaware of it. It’s time for them to choose a stance once and for all. Either let it go or crack down for real.

Suspending Manny Ramirez for 50 games brought him back before the season’s halfway point to continue his heroics. A-Rod returned to the Yankees on May 8th and has since split 40 home runs and 116 RBIs with Tex. Were these guys punished? Not at all.

If Major League Baseball wants to appear like they’re actually opposed to drug use among their players, they should suspend offenders for the season or fire them outright. Otherwise, let them shoot whatever they want and start hitting baseballs a quarter of a mile.

Right now their actions don’t match up with their words.

In a typicaly ridiculous post, Robert Scoble shares some shocking statistics:

“There are seven billion people on the Earth. So far only about 30 million have even turned on [a Twitter] account and some of my friends who are analyzing the Twitter data say that active accounts are less than 10 million … This demonstrates that getting an extraordinary amount of hype won’t help build a super business.”

I don’t even know what the last sentence means, but it doesn’t matter, becasue Robert’s math is skewed. There are 7 billion people on earth and 30 million have Twitter accounts. That’s only a valid measure if all 7 billion people have computers, internet access and an interest in Twitter. Of course, that’s not the case.

Many people of my parents’ generation have an interest in the Internet that barely stretches past simple web browsing and email. A huge portion of those 7 billion people live in underdeveloped countries where finding clean water is more important that how many retweets the’ve gathered.

Also, his Twitter/Facebook comparison is a bit apples and oranges. For me, Facebook is for people in my past. Twitter is for people in my present.

PC World has published an example of how to write for Digg. Let’s break it down.

Title

“Rumored Apple Tablet is a Tran Wreck.” Many believe that an Apple tablet is imminent and the buzz is increasing lately, so nice use of keywording there. Plus, “Train Wreck” is exciting language. “Apple Tablet will Flop” is less exciting. Personally, I hate headlines that Capitalize Every Word.

Linkbait

PC World quickly baits Apple fans with these lines in the 2nd paragraph.

“… this device would be a flop. This concept is such a train wreck from start to finish that I don’t know where to begin.”

Apple’s most fervent fans, the ones who read tech blogs like PC World, are also the most vocal. They’ll comment, tweet, post on their own blogs and so on.

Ridiculous arguments

In the 3rd paragraph, author Michael Scalisi displays his ignorance of Apple’s process:

“The tablet form-factor in general is good only for a few things … There are lots of things that tablets are not good at. Take watching movies, for example. Since a tablet is designed for lying flat, you have to be looking straight down to view the computer. Actually, that makes it suck for most things. I guess Apple could build in some sort of stand, but that detracts away from the sort of sexy minimalism that it is famous for.”

For someone who claims to be familiar with “…[what Apple] is famous for,” Michael isn’t. Apple excels at identifying a method of doing something that’s far superior to existing models. Before the iPod was released the market was full of barely-useable MP3 players. The same is true of the mobile phone market. Apple didn’t invent the digital music player, mobile phone or even the personal computer. They did invent the best way to use each.

Michael is assuming that an Apple-branded tablet will function just as existing tablets do, and he’s completely wrong. The innovation won’t be the device itself but the way the consumer uses it. Finally, Micheal throws in some more exciting language with “sucks.”

Baseless assumptions are your friends

The rest of the article is full of them.

“While I think a multi-touch display is a great idea, using it to host a virtual keyboard takes too much real estate on a petite 10-inch display.”

There’s no evidence to support the claim that this non-existent device has a virtual keyboard, but Micheal writes as if he’s got one siting on his desk.

“While the iPhone OS might seem like an obvious choice due to its small footprint and contribution toward long battery life, it has glaring limitations on a larger device. A huge audience for a tablet is the artist community, and they need full-fledged OS X to run the apps they’re accustomed to. While Apple certainly has reason to want to build on the success of its App Store, those apps are designed to run on a 3.5-inch screen and most won’t translate very well to something larger.”

This part’s a bit slippery. What we know as iPhone OS 3.0 is a variant of OS X. That’s to say, the aspects of OS X that are applicable to a mobile phone plus new bits that make the thing work. Mac OS X is comprised of the aspects of OS X that are applicable to a home computer plus different specialty bits. To think that a tablet would run the iPhone version of OS X is ignorant. Of course, Apple would develop yet another unique iteration based upon the needs of that device.

Again, these two paragraphs are meant to goad people like me into posting rebuttles. When you’ve sat down to write, abandon the urge to write something that will be picked up on Digg, various blogs or Twitter. Write because you have something insightful, funny or witty to share. If you’ve done a good job, it’ll get spread around on its own merit.

I don’t begrudge Michael’s opinion on Apple’s plans to release a tablet, but I dislike the way he’s presented it.

For the record, I do belive a new device is coming.

As usual, Repbulicans are only concerned with one thing in life: Their money. Spurned by the failure of their “gay people are evil” tactic, they’re now marketing gay marriage as an assault on small businesses:

“Now all of a sudden I’ve got someone who wasn’t a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for,” said GOP Chairman Michael Steele. “So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money.”

That’s right, Michael. That couple’s right to marry and be happy is all about you and your wallet. What a jerk.

PZ Myers:

“The rise of Idiot America today reflects … the breakdown of the consensus that the pursuit of knowledge is a good … the words of an obscure biologist carry no more weight on the subject of biology than do the thunderations of some turkeyneck preacher out of Christ’s Own Parking Structure in DeLand, Florida.”

Critical thinking is certianly being replaced by knee-jerk responding. Can’t wait to read the book.

David Pogue nails the tech web with one simple sentence:

“Seems like every time an exciting, breakthrough product comes along, certain readers trip over themselves to disparage it—even though they’ve never even tried the thing.”

Here’s how it works. Company A releases a novel and interesting product or service. The “cool” response is to point out why it’s crap. It’s unfortunate that weblog comments have become a liability instead of an asset, but it’s true. Lifehacker has the best solution.

Gizmodo accuses Trent Reznor of “…going all TUAW’ in his recent anti-App Store post.

I assume “Going all TUAW” means following an emotional, knee-jerk rant with rational thought and careful attention. Of course, I’m not mature enough to kill someone’s display during a presentation at CES, so what do I know?

The once mighty Star Wars galaxy has become a parody of itself, largely in part to shamelss, incessant merchandising. I can’t respect a franchise that’s so obviously used as a cash grab.

The folks at Spyglass must have the same goal for Star Trek movie as their marketing eruption gets underway. I’m sure I’ll be completely turned off by May.